I'm Afraid to Sleep

Okay, this might sound ridiculous, but I am afraid to sleep because I don't want to miss anything. And when I finally bring myself to lay down and close my eyes, my fears, worries, guilts, and bad memories sudden overwhelm me and I can't sleep. So here I am, at 12:50 AM creating a vlog and listening to Pandora's JCP Teen Pop Radio. This is my life. Actually I am going to switch to another station now.

I have created a new station. My favorite song came up right away, that's promising.

Another thing that hits me when I lay down to sleep, is that another day has past, I am another day older, and I have wasted another part of my life procrastinating. Seriously, you all have probably seen those talented kids on the Oprah show. I see them and *sigh*. I wish I could be talented like that. I am so insignificant. I have no real hobbies at the moment. Just time fillers.

I turned 14 on August 14th. I have decided that I will make something of my life. No more hiding. I am going to be on the computer less, outdoors, more, and get closer to the man who created me.. God. I am going to take advantage of this perfectly good life I am blessed with. I don't how yet, but I am sure that I will figure that out along the way. If anything, I will have fun with whatever it is I am trying to achieve. And if I don't achieve that's alright too, as long as I am happy. I haven't truly been happy lately. But I want to be.

School starts on August 25th. I am worried about that too. Well, I was worried. I am not all that concerned about it as much right now as I was say, last week. I realized that whatever happens, happens. I am going to have fun with that too.

I don't know what I am saying.

This is my first blog post. It's kind of all over the place. I am like my post. You should have seen me at Target yesterday, I was a hot mess. I started crying in the check out line. I just am not happy anymore. I don't know why. It's as people say, I am "going through the motions" but not really living. I miss living. I need a hug. I can't really open up. Because when I try to, people feel bad for me, and I hate that. I hate it so much.

I have been struggling all summer trying to find my personality again. I don't know where it went. All I do all day is watch movies and small talk with people on facebook. Sometimes I go shopping and buy stuff I don't need.

But I have a plan. This year I will try as many new things as possible. I will find what I do and don't like. I will live, experience, taste, love, and laugh. Even if it kills me.

God Bless
XO Ellis